Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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