Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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