Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
