i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
