what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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