Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.