just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.