I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.