I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
