i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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