Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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