Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
