your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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