On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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