I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
