Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
