I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
