I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
