WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
