He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
