not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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