my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
