if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."