I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Drunk is not a location!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
