I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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