his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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