my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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