Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
