it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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