I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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