woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
