so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
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is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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