wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
