my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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