a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
