dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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