nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
