He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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