so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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