Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
