Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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