First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
