Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
