every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
