ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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