My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
