I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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