dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
