Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I want to be your penis for a week.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
