My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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