I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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