When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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