I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Two words: nipple clamps
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