just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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