Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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