Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
