I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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