2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
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why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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