Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
