Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
