pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
