his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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