You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
