im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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